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Fu Manchu

Fu Manchu

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from the People's Republic of ChinaPublished:Jul 25, 2009Article ToolsSave and ShareAfter being resuscitated, they learn that there are, in fact, no minerals left in ChinaTwelve players.

Three weeks.

Two tribes.

One winner.

The tribes, Fu Yong and Chow Mein, compete for economic superiority at an undisclosed location in China.The tribes represent a cross-section of middle America.

Chad, Brad, Vlad, Rad, Schmad and Roger are the steelworker, missionary, retard, pervert, Jew and jock.

Sue, Fru, Boo, Shmoo, Klooless and Janet are the slut, virgin, Christian, anorexic, lesbian and jock.It's Day 24.

Who will be voted out ? Nobody, because this is China and voting has been forbidden by the Politburo.

The players who are no longer in the game are now members of the jury.

No, they're not.

There are no juries in China.

Put another way, the missing players have simply vanished .

They handed in their torches and disappeared.

Their names will be released once the American embassy has notified their families.The reward challenges are tough; the diplomatic immunity challenges brutal.

Want to know what you're playing for? Yes! Yes! The first tribe to beat every one of their Falun Gong prisoners into unconsciousness gets to smuggle something in from the depraved West.

The contents of your diplomatic pouch is your business.

Worth playing for? Yes! Yes! Yes!A week later, the Fu Yong tribe is raided by customs officials and their drugs, alcohol and porn are confiscated.

They are given a verbal warning and issued with semen-stained copies of Chairman Mao's little red book.Two nights later, both teams are woken by soldiers from the People's Liberation Army kicking them in the kidneys and demanding from them the five basic principles of warfare as written by Sun Tzu.

Everyone answers correctly, except for Shmoo, who is banished to Exile Island where she undergoes political and sexual reorientation and returns to her tribe as a communal farmer with a Fu Manchu moustache.On Day 26 there is a surprise merger.

The name of the new tribe is Wai Yu Mun Ching.

Take a look at your new tribe — see anything different? Oh.



Brad has lost a limb, Chad has had his lips sewn together and Boo's feet are tightly bound with strips of cloth.

What happened? Nobody is saying.

What happens in China stays in China.Challenge time.

Legend has it that there could be as many as eight animals left in the area.

Two might be frogs.

The tribe has to find them, skin them alive and eat them raw.

The person who devours the most wins reward: a one-year government contract to travel the developing world in search of untapped reserves of indigenous wildlife.

A special reward for the girls is announced.

They get to spend the evening with the men catering to their every need.

But there is a price to pay for this pleasure.

In the morning, they are given shovels and ordered to explore for mineral deposits.

They will not be allowed to eat until they succeed.

Later, they are carried back to camp.

After being resuscitated, they learn that there are, in fact, no minerals left in China.

The assignment was purely meant as a character-building exercise.Klooless has a breakdown after winning a reward challenge.

Her reward is receiving a letter from home.

The only words not blacked out by the state censor are "died" and "help".

She spends two days weeping beneath a palm tree.

"I feel so alone out here," she sobs.

"There's just us, Jeff Provost-Marshall, two directors, three assistant directors, two producers, five cameramen, three make-up artists, four video editors, six carpenters, a caterer and nine Red Guards of the Cultural Revolution.

The isolation is killing me!"A new day dawns.

Another critical immunity challenge for Wai Yu Mun Ching.

Somewhere, a nest of pro-democracy agitators has set up an illegal base.

The tribe must find the group and convince them, with the aid of crudely fashioned weapons, that communism is the only solution.

Each convert is worth 10 points and after 48 hours the person with the most points is taken by boat to an ancient village where they watch counter-revolutionaries having their organs harvested.

Brad is told he has to sit out a reward challenge because he is fat and ugly.

His punishment is to smoke three pipes of China White.

Brad goes out of his way to lose every challenge after that.

He is eventually airlifted out and never seen again.Day 28 brings one of the most brutal challenges.

The remaining tribe members must go about their daily activities without talking.

The person who remains silent the longest wins an antique opium pipe and a free lifetime membership to the Sun Yee On Triad, Hong Kong's most powerful organised crime group.Sue, Lou and Fru crack after four minutes.

"This is inhuman!" screams Sue.

"We are Americans, godammit! We die if we don't talk!"Coming up next week, Rad strips down and takes a shower — tune in to find out if it's true what they say about black men.Rate this articleAdd Your Comment Latest Headlines Most Popular Workers suffer as wine dream sours  Illegally converted taxis could ruin their owners  The king's looking for a queen Gumede splashes out on wife-to-be Protests are Mbeki's fault, says Sexwale Zuma: We are ready for 2010 Tsvangirai considers compensation  Marshal dies on Killarney Race track Power cuts in Johannesburg Petrol bomb may link to robbery Sponsored links Available RSS Feeds Africa News Entertainment News Breaking News Soccer News Business and Markets Sport News Celebrity News World News Motoring Business Directory THE TIMES: Advertise | Contact Us | Promotions | Subscription Services | SyndicationAVUSA: Avusa Home Page | Jobs© 2008 AVUSA, Inc.

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